Love Yourself Part 2

Ok...it's Monday Morning...I had a lovely weekend and now I am just getting back to this post.

If you would like to read my Tender Mercies 1, 2 and 3 and find out the first half of this story go to the previous post...

Notes From Stephanie Neilson's Talk at Time Out For Women (forgive me...this is not word for word, and I am sure I will get somethings wrong...but I did try to get every word and feeling she conveyed as I wrote like lightning)

I count my accident a blessing and Divine.  In August of 2008 I was in a plane crash that left me burned over 80% of my body.  In this Time Out for Women conference the theme is Choosing to Become.  

My Story, My Accident, My Life, My Recovery

After the accident, the first thing I had to choose was to recover.  Burns are a hard and painful road.  But YOU decide how this story is going to end for YOU.  It REALLY hurt, I was really sick, I wanted to die.  

But I remembered who I was.   I had a husband, children and a Heavenly Father.  A couple months into the recovery something happened.  Christian (her husband) would come at night to see me and help me with the bedtime routine which was difficult.  But this particular night the nurse came in and said called and was not coming.  He could not come, the roads were closed.  I did not know how I could get through the night without him.  Then I looked out the window of my room and snow was falling.  As I watched the snow I thought of happy memories in the snow before my accident.  I thought of what it felt like to be happy.  I put ALL my trust in the Lord...through my prayers.  He'll take care of me.  This was my first time alone.  But I was not alone.  HE was with me.  I CHOSE to be Happy.  Choices are OURS.  Heavenly Father gives us those choices.

I CHOSE to be HAPPY!

I had to choose to remember my divine potential.  I'm still a wife and mother.  I had to remember who I am.  I had to choose to become a mother again.  For 5 months I did not look at myself.  I didn't want to be 'ugly'.  I didn't look at myself and I didn't as ANYONE what I looked like.  I still had not seen my children and they wanted to see me so much.  The doctor said, "they want to see you, but they can't see you until you see yourself."  **Here Stephanie talked of the guilt she felt as a mother.  She blamed herself for going on that plane ride.  Though to the outside eye it seems ridiculous that she could find any fault in her accident.  She did and it was part of her painful recovery to deal with it.

She decided "It is time to see who I've become.  Christian brought her a mirror, but she wanted to do this alone and had him leave.  Everything was bruised, and unrecognizable until she got to her eyes.  She said they were the ONLY thing she could recognize.  They were the same.  I saw God in my eyes.  And I felt Him say...Everything is fine.  You're beautiful to me.  

I saw my eyes.  It was a long road, but I knew I could get there.

Now I look at people's eyes.  It is a gift I have been given since the accident.  I tell my children to look people in the eyes.

The children came.  I had no hair, scraps, scares and burns.  My daughter was so scared she told her sister "You don't want to go in there".  I was so emotional and sad.  They left.  I felt like a monster again.     I had been defined as a mother before the accident.  It was going to take time and lots of patience.  

I had to choose to be a mother again.

My choice to be a mother and to be the one to teach them was something I had always wanted.  I had always wanted to be one.  But it took time, lots of time.  Everything was a big deal.  Zipping a jacket, opening my hands, using my fingers, reading a book, making lunches for the children, Stuffing carrots in ziploc bags...  It is the GREATEST THING!

It is the small and simple things you do every day.  You would miss them.  Think...these little jobs are BEAUTIFUL!

As women, we are the nurturing type.  I am so grateful and honored to have that feeling of wife and mother back.  

NOW...choose to be happy.

There were times...

I wish I had the energy but I didn't/don't...She talked about the pain and pain meds to help with it.   I had to choose to be happy.  What are the things that make me be happy?  It's OK to love ourselves.  I can give more to my husband, children and family members when I love myself!

* You can give more to those YOU love, when you love yourself.

Elder Holland was going to give me a blessing.  He was so kind, so sweet to me.  He told me I was so beautiful I should be on the cover of a magazine.  He spoke of the Savior Jesus Christ.  He said that when the Savior comes again we will look for the nail marks in His hands.  He then said... these are your outward scares.  This to you is YOUR trial.  You lived through something and now you are making a new life for yourself.  They are a reminder But they don't bother me as much anymore.

NOW I SEE ME!!!  At 19 I wanted to get married, have a family.  When I chose to live it was SO much harder...but it was SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT! 

I am someone who is so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  This accident wasn't an 'accident' at all.  It was part of my life and I chose, I am going to make the best of it.  Everybody hurts, feels pain, sadness.  We have all the tools to overcome them.  With the right tools and attitude we can overcome anything.

After the accident the plane was on fire and I was in my seatbelt.  I didn't think I was going to make it.  My second thought was This is it, the end of my life.  It is only going to hurt 5 more minutes, but then I'll see grandma.  I was scared and I didn't think I could do it.

THAT MOMENT...

I felt something.  I know there is a Heavenly Father and Savior and a plan.  He told me it wasn't my time.   I found hard.  I was able to get out of the airplane.  

If you are struggling with your testimony I want to say... "It's true, there is divine power.  You can pray and get answers.  I DID get out.

Choosing NOW...

Choose now to make those relationships with those you love better.  When I was heading down in the crash in disbelief there was no one to make up with.  I saw my little children, happy.  My relationships are good.

WHAT are your relationships like with those you love?  If you die do loved ones know how much you love them?

CHOOSE all the things in life that will help you.  Above all, I have a testimony of Jesus Christ.  There is a plan.  He loves you, He knows you, by name.

I almost left...I wasn't ready to go.

It is important to be nurturing, loving, caring.  Love your daughters and prepare and love your sons.  I am so grateful for my testimony.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father keeps His promises.  I am GRATEFUL for the temple.  I am grateful I can still have children.

Now... I am just CHOOSING to become ME.  Whatever ME is, is good enough, because Heavenly Father is telling me it is okay to be ME!

In my notes I wrote:

"Today was a miracle.  Nothing short of a miracle.   Thank you Father for loving ME, Christine, your daughter, and individual.  How you do it, all of it I don't know.  But I love you.  I love your Son.  My Father, thank you, thank you for loving me.  For saving me from my doubts, fears and weaknesses."

After losing my parents the past couple years, I had gone to this conference more than a little broken.  Having, in my life lost so many people that I love to death...I was figuratively shaking my fists at the heavens and figuratively asking ARE YOU SERIOUS???!!!  but Stephanie's testimony and emergence from the heart ache of her trial has renewed my faith in His perfect plan.  Though I don't understand it all now.  I know in the end, I will be eternally grateful.  

The way that this individual (Stephanie) was able to reach ME...something God, my Heavenly Father of course was well aware of... is nothing short of a miracle...and it was my Tender Mercy #4...and it happened before 11am in the morning.  

When Stephanie was done I wanted to stand and applaud her...but mostly I wish my spirit could have conveyed to her spirit the immense gratitude I was feeling for her.  I did stand, and so did many women...but she was going to the back of the stage because she had another engagement she had to be at.  For a moment I thought she might not turn around, and silently I thought, please let her see...as all this was happening in just a few seconds more and more women were standing to their feet and the applause continued.  She turned and I believe the room of 5,000 women were up, applauding the life, the courage, the faith of this ONE woman, who is through her testimony CHANGING lives.  It was a miracle of the 5,000...and I know the Savior watches over Stephanie and is pleased with the "ME" she is becoming.  As she saw the love we had for her...that was my Tender Mercy #5...and all before Lunch!

I am choosing to become ME...and actually I already like myself quite a bit! :)

*Check back...I will be posting more notes from this wonderful weekend.

Life is short and precious.  Make it a great day!  Only YOU can!

Love Yourself...

I have missed blogging consistently since this summer.  I think the death of my dad just 3 1/2 years after my mom hit my like a train wreak.  I was really not prepared for the loop it threw me and I feel out of sorts most days.  Christmas was always special at my house growing up.  Mom made it that way.  And for me They...my parents were such a huge part of what Christmas is for me.  They taught us about Christ, the spirit of giving, loving everyone, and yes...unconditionally.  They reached out, lifted up, and were "Secret Santa" to several families over the years.  They taught us and we have spread that to our children...and hopefully they will spread it to their own.  Needless to say this Christmas has been a bit of a struggle for me.  I guess that is why I tried to do something really special for my siblings...simple, but special.  I await Christmas now with great anticipation!  It is that feeling of excitement I imagine mom had the year she bought me my new set of scriptures that I had my heart set on...a present at 17 that was so important to me.  I couldn't wait to have them and they have lasted me all these years.  Like my life they are marked up, a little worn, tattered at the edges and general well used.  The marks and the scratches don't make them less valuable to me though.  I think God sees us that way too.  So often I am my worst critic...my biggest judge, I am so hard on myself.  Anyone relate???

The other day I was sitting at my computer and I was reading thoughts and quotes on pinterest.  Then I had a thought...  "Love yourself where you are at, but don't settle for that as the final draft."

Before I go on I have a confession.  A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to sneak away to Utah and stay downtown in a hotel to attend the Time Out for women conference.  I feel bad that I didn't see any family.  But the conference was just what I needed.  It was a chance to jump start my heart again.  I needed a little push.  I needed to hear... "You are going to be ok, this is life.  This trial will pass.  And rest assured another will be around the corner.  But that is ok too.   You are strong, you've got this!"  I have decided for the next few posts to share my notes and some insights in my weekend away.  Maybe it will be a shot in the arm that you needed too.

I believe in tender mercies.  I believe that the Lord is very mindful of us personally.  I am not going to share the events of my weekend in order.  Instead I am jumping to Saturday morning to share my tender mercy.  Saturday I woke up early with my friend that I convinced to sneak away too.  We will call her Ethel for annonimity.  We ate breakfast quickly and headed out the door.  As I walked with her to the elevator I looked up and set my eyes on the woman in front of me.  I knew her.  Now I had been ducking my head all night Friday, hoping not to run into anyone from Utah that might be mad at me for not letting them know I was in town.  But I had looked up...and there she was  Sister Stephanie Neilson. I don't know her personally.  She doesn't know me from 'Adam'.  But I know of her.   Some of my family follow her blog.  She is a member of the same church I attend.  I had watched a Mormon Messages segment about her story some time ago and have read her blog on occasion.  I was an idiot as I stood there in awe.  She was with her husband and all I kept thinking was this wonderful, beautiful woman has helped me deal with the most painful losses of my life...my parents.  I rambled to her about how very grateful I was for her, what an inspiration she was, that I loved her, I asked permission and then hugged her.  I said to her husband, I am sure you are wonderful too, but she is my inspiration...  He replied in the sweetest tone, She is mine too.  I told her how my sister followed her blog and would be so jealous that I got to see her in person.  She has been known to speak of her beautiful eyes and they are beautiful.  But what I noticed was her smile.  She had the most kind and lovely smile.  We shared some small talk in the elevator.  I was really star struck, like some dumb teenager.  As I stood in awe of this most powerful and wonderful woman I even said, You are like a celebrity.  She laughed and said I don't think so.  I said, Not in the bad way, but in all the wonderful, inspirational, changed my life ways.  She smiled. (Tender Mercy #1)

Stephanie is a burn victim.  She and her husband were in a plane crash.  The crash nearly took her life and she was burned over 80% of her body.  Her courage and strength have been a lighthouse to me since the first day I learned about her.  I am so grateful for her strength, love, kindness, goodness and testimony.  Her strength and faith in Christ has help my heart through some pretty sad moments over the past couple years.  Her story is definitely worth your eight minutes to see...take the time.  You can click my link if you want to watch a large version, or I have embeded the video below.

So my first tender mercy of the morning was my small brush with inspiration.  Because I have watched her life a bit I didn't want to be rude and ask for a picture of this everyday EXTRAordinary hero.  So she went on and so did my friend and I.  We crossed the street to our conference.  And as we were sitting in seats my friend's cousin scored us rather close to the front I looked over and a few rows away I saw Stephanie again.  She was standing with a group of women and her husband was to the side.  My friend said, don't miss your chance.  So I went and asked him if it would be ok to ask for a picture with her.  When he saw me he said "You again?" and he smiled...looking back on this event I chuckle a little...opps... I hope I didn't seem like a stalker.  He took the picture for me...then I hugged her and whispered in her ear...Thank you, I lost both my parents in the past 3 1/2 years and you have been such an inspiration and help to me.  She smiled that million dollar smile again and said thank you for sharing that with me.  That was tender mercy #2.  And it wasn't even 9am.

The conference began and speakers were announced.  Then the director got up.  She said she was sad to explain that one of the presenters was home with her husband who was very ill.  The Time Out For Women team had counseled as to what they could do to fill the time.  They had invited a guest speaker.  They introduced her with this video presentation from Sister Hilary Weeks called Beautiful Heartbreak.  You can follow the link or you can watch it below.  If you haven't seen it, push play...but first get some tissue.

Immediately I knew that it was tender mercy #3...Stephanie was not 'just' there, she was there to speak to us.  And I want to share what she shared.  Now forgive me...it won't be word for word and will lose some of its power in translation I am sure.  But still I hope some of it can touch you the way it touched me.  I can truly say it was life changing....
(Notes to follow...it is getting late ;)