In life, I have found that it is the little things that matter most.
Last week, as I anticipated surgery for our Baby J, my mind went racing over the past 14 years of raising children. Of our Joys and our losses. Our trials and our blessings. The blessing basket is always overflowing and I never run short of things to thank God for, even when life doesn't always go like I want.
In my remembering, my mind settled on one moment. It wasn't one of my lowest days in life. Certainly those were the loss of loved ones. But it was one of the rougher days. I was pregnant with our second child. I never really knew nausea until my little man started to grow under my heart.
One particular day it got really bad. I was trying to keep down some O.J... You know, that whole folic acid, brain development stuff. But my body was having none of it. The heaving became so heinous that literally blood vessels burst around my eyes. I looked like a very sick raccoon. And yet, life must go on. I had one very active and energetic 18 month old to attend to.
I remember the doorbell ringing and thinking that if I didn't answer, they would surely go away. But something told me to get the door. There stood my dear friend L.A. She had a toddler the same age. She explained that she had been at home and just felt like I might need a break today. She was coming to sweep away my angel girl for a playdate and she wasn't taking NO for an answer. I remember thanking her and then laying down. The exhaustion melting me into the bed. I slept the whole time she was gone. So incredibly grateful. I remember her telling me it was no big thing. It was just a little thing and she was glad she could help. But I have learned over the years that the little things are really the big things.
There were many little things over the years...but that same friend would call me 12 years later and be the catalyst to our Baby J coming into our home. It was just a little thing when she had a thought to connect me to another angel. Just a thought when she insisted that if I didn't befriend any other DS families, that I really needed to befriend this family. And what have I learned? It only took 42 years, but God works by very little things, to bring about great things.
It's the little things.
It also reminds me to listen to that little voice, some call it intuition, some the Holy Ghost...whatever you call it...I believe that those promptings come from God...and when we follow them, miracles follow us.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Remember...
I have thought a lot about the word Remember over the past few years. I have learned of its power as my heart is longing for a loved one I have lost, or when my child tells me that they don't like me...and I have to remember that yesterday they told me I was the best mommy in the whole world.
I have thought of how I cling at times to bad memories, and punish loved ones for crimes that should have expired with the statute of limitations...decades past.
I have thought of how I forget to remember all the good I have done all my life and dwell too often on those extra 50 pounds, the unkind thought when someone cuts me off and my memories of being impatient with my children more often than I would like.
But as I have watched some loved ones the past few years, struggling with memories and losing the ability to remember things, it has made me keenly aware of the power of MEMORY.
I think of the promise from God that when we repent though our sins be as scarlet, they will be white as snow. And if I must forgive, and he forgives me why is it so hard to forget the bad and remember the good more often.
My dad, one of my brothers and I once got into a very heated discussion about competition. Having studied sociology, I believe that the "worldly" set up of competition in society is damaging to relationships. They argued that competition is imperative to progress.
I don't have all the answers. But I do have 4 very competitive boys. So recently, when two of them got in a huge fight, I sat them down and gave them a punishment that was experimental and calculated in its nature. They had to play together for a week. They had no access to tablets, T.V., Computer (except for school), kindle readers, they just had each other for all their free time. The assignment was to learn to like each other again. And by a week they did. It wore off when they fell back into their competitive and selfish ways a week after that. But I did see, watch, recognize a change in them during the experiment.
I would suggest that much of the ill and hurt feelings of loved ones between one another, and much of the self loathing we catch ourself doing could be wiped away if we stopped competing so much and just loved each other and ourselves.
I changed the colors of my blog for spring. The pinks and yellows remind me of candy stores, and lemonade. And maybe I am just too Pollyanna. Maybe I am wrong in my analysis of life. Maybe my idea is just to simple to work.
My daughter was in tears a few weeks back because she is in a class with her younger (Math mastermind) brother and he had a higher grade. Sobbing ensued. But I asked her (deliberately in front of another younger brother that deals with self esteem issues)...what if you stopped comparing yourself to anyone and just did YOUR BEST. You might not be a math master mind, but you are better than you give yourself credit for.
When we hold ourselves up to airbrushed models, when we look at Hollywood marriages with longing that last 3-7 years...and our own is still going strong...but just not as Hollywood "sparkly"...or ours isn't going strong, but we learned what we really want now and have course corrected to get it...When we stop buying happiness and start finding it, inside us, and around us...
Then I think more positive memories will flow freely, and the bitter ones of regret, hurt and grudges will lose some of their sting and their power. It is just a theory, but this year I am going to try it out.
I have thought of how I cling at times to bad memories, and punish loved ones for crimes that should have expired with the statute of limitations...decades past.
I have thought of how I forget to remember all the good I have done all my life and dwell too often on those extra 50 pounds, the unkind thought when someone cuts me off and my memories of being impatient with my children more often than I would like.
But as I have watched some loved ones the past few years, struggling with memories and losing the ability to remember things, it has made me keenly aware of the power of MEMORY.
I think of the promise from God that when we repent though our sins be as scarlet, they will be white as snow. And if I must forgive, and he forgives me why is it so hard to forget the bad and remember the good more often.
My dad, one of my brothers and I once got into a very heated discussion about competition. Having studied sociology, I believe that the "worldly" set up of competition in society is damaging to relationships. They argued that competition is imperative to progress.
I don't have all the answers. But I do have 4 very competitive boys. So recently, when two of them got in a huge fight, I sat them down and gave them a punishment that was experimental and calculated in its nature. They had to play together for a week. They had no access to tablets, T.V., Computer (except for school), kindle readers, they just had each other for all their free time. The assignment was to learn to like each other again. And by a week they did. It wore off when they fell back into their competitive and selfish ways a week after that. But I did see, watch, recognize a change in them during the experiment.
I would suggest that much of the ill and hurt feelings of loved ones between one another, and much of the self loathing we catch ourself doing could be wiped away if we stopped competing so much and just loved each other and ourselves.
I changed the colors of my blog for spring. The pinks and yellows remind me of candy stores, and lemonade. And maybe I am just too Pollyanna. Maybe I am wrong in my analysis of life. Maybe my idea is just to simple to work.
My daughter was in tears a few weeks back because she is in a class with her younger (Math mastermind) brother and he had a higher grade. Sobbing ensued. But I asked her (deliberately in front of another younger brother that deals with self esteem issues)...what if you stopped comparing yourself to anyone and just did YOUR BEST. You might not be a math master mind, but you are better than you give yourself credit for.
When we hold ourselves up to airbrushed models, when we look at Hollywood marriages with longing that last 3-7 years...and our own is still going strong...but just not as Hollywood "sparkly"...or ours isn't going strong, but we learned what we really want now and have course corrected to get it...When we stop buying happiness and start finding it, inside us, and around us...
Then I think more positive memories will flow freely, and the bitter ones of regret, hurt and grudges will lose some of their sting and their power. It is just a theory, but this year I am going to try it out.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
God gives us what we need...
My mother and father were great people. They were kind, smart and service oriented. They always taught us that God gives us what we need, but not necessarily what we WANT. Mom taught us that he can see things we cannot see.
I didn't understand this growing up.
I remember being on my knees for what seemed like hours as a little girl, praying for a sister. The carpet was worn (I am sure) where my little knees rubbed the floor raw praying for every dead pet by name (there were a lot of them, and would be a lot more...14 cats total when I moved out of the house...and six dogs over all.) I am sure my mom tired of hearing their names as she patiently knelt by me. But nothing made her more weary, I'm sure, than the pleadings for another sibling, and more specifically a sister.
After years of this she sat me down one day and explained that things had been "done" to prevent this and that I needed to stop praying for it. But I think the secret prayers kept ascending to heaven. I was 13 when my parents opened the umbrella of their home and their love to other teens that needed a safe haven, some for a month or two, some for years. I loved them all, drinking in the miracle of God's power. He had made what was "DONE"...Undone. Brothers followed, Sisters followed. And though I am not close to all these children in proximity, I can't imagine what life would have been like today without all of them. My brothers married great women, that I have been blessed to not just call sister, but friend. My sisters married great men. One of my sons is even named after a brother in law...he adores his big Uncle D. I know in many ways these brothers and sisters have prepared me to love our little BabyJ more than some could imagine possible. But I knew, there was no division in my heart between the "biological" and the "gifts"...no line between the ones that arrived FedEx and the ones that arrived Parcel Post...a little later, a little worn for the travel. They were all MINE. What a gift. I know that God is good. His timing isn't always ours. But he hears us and my parents were right, he gives us what we need.
The human part of me that I wrote about earlier this week, didn't know what God was thinking when he took my mother home to him 7 years ago. I remember thinking that he must not love me any more to take my mother. My father followed 3 years later.
But the processing and the path of my life has been so interesting and God, when he closes doors, has always thrown open windows for me. When I met my husband almost 17 years ago, gratefully through the blessing of an ex-boyfriend ironically enough...I had no idea how that would bless me today. I had no idea that JUST LIKE these amazing siblings that came parcel post, the Lord would deliver me on the door of a family that would love me like their own. He was planting the seeds of NEED. He knew that I couldn't get through the gritty life of raising 6 children without parents that would nurture my soul. He took my parents home and I very much feel their presence. They made me what and who I am. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, thanks to them. I am so grateful for extended family that they gifted me with.
Today is my Second Mom's birthday. She took me under her wing 17 years ago. She and I instantly bonded. It was like our hearts had been searching for each other since our births. She knows me, she holds my heart when no one else can. She loves my mother and tells my children about the blessing of their Grandma and Grandpa TaTa that look out for them. When my mommy died, mom came for a week and took care of me, Ryan and the children. She held the baby through the viewing. She cooked for us. She just loved us. And dad M. let her come without reservation. She came another week after we laid my dad to rest, just to make sure I was ok. There have been many visits from them in-between all this. Visits after a bad miscarriage and when BabyJ came home for the hospital. She is one of the most selfless and giving women I know. I know that she and my mommy were the best of friends in heaven. There was probably some deal struck between them that when she was called home, Mom M. would watch over us.
How grateful I am that when God's will or plan cannot give us what we want, he reaches down and gives us what we need. I could have chosen for the last 7 years to be bitter. Instead, I opened my eyes and recognized the gift before me...Two more parents to love me, Two more Grandparents for my children, Four more sisters, Four more brothers by marriage, 10 more nieces and nephews and the baby hasn't even had her little ones yet. My cup runneth over with blessings.
And today, on the birthday of one of the greatest women I know, I am reminded that God gives us what we need. And I am grateful.
Happy Birthday Mom. I am sure Mommy is smiling over you today. And she and grandma J are looking out for you every day. I love you!
I didn't understand this growing up.
I remember being on my knees for what seemed like hours as a little girl, praying for a sister. The carpet was worn (I am sure) where my little knees rubbed the floor raw praying for every dead pet by name (there were a lot of them, and would be a lot more...14 cats total when I moved out of the house...and six dogs over all.) I am sure my mom tired of hearing their names as she patiently knelt by me. But nothing made her more weary, I'm sure, than the pleadings for another sibling, and more specifically a sister.
After years of this she sat me down one day and explained that things had been "done" to prevent this and that I needed to stop praying for it. But I think the secret prayers kept ascending to heaven. I was 13 when my parents opened the umbrella of their home and their love to other teens that needed a safe haven, some for a month or two, some for years. I loved them all, drinking in the miracle of God's power. He had made what was "DONE"...Undone. Brothers followed, Sisters followed. And though I am not close to all these children in proximity, I can't imagine what life would have been like today without all of them. My brothers married great women, that I have been blessed to not just call sister, but friend. My sisters married great men. One of my sons is even named after a brother in law...he adores his big Uncle D. I know in many ways these brothers and sisters have prepared me to love our little BabyJ more than some could imagine possible. But I knew, there was no division in my heart between the "biological" and the "gifts"...no line between the ones that arrived FedEx and the ones that arrived Parcel Post...a little later, a little worn for the travel. They were all MINE. What a gift. I know that God is good. His timing isn't always ours. But he hears us and my parents were right, he gives us what we need.
The human part of me that I wrote about earlier this week, didn't know what God was thinking when he took my mother home to him 7 years ago. I remember thinking that he must not love me any more to take my mother. My father followed 3 years later.
But the processing and the path of my life has been so interesting and God, when he closes doors, has always thrown open windows for me. When I met my husband almost 17 years ago, gratefully through the blessing of an ex-boyfriend ironically enough...I had no idea how that would bless me today. I had no idea that JUST LIKE these amazing siblings that came parcel post, the Lord would deliver me on the door of a family that would love me like their own. He was planting the seeds of NEED. He knew that I couldn't get through the gritty life of raising 6 children without parents that would nurture my soul. He took my parents home and I very much feel their presence. They made me what and who I am. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life, thanks to them. I am so grateful for extended family that they gifted me with.
Today is my Second Mom's birthday. She took me under her wing 17 years ago. She and I instantly bonded. It was like our hearts had been searching for each other since our births. She knows me, she holds my heart when no one else can. She loves my mother and tells my children about the blessing of their Grandma and Grandpa TaTa that look out for them. When my mommy died, mom came for a week and took care of me, Ryan and the children. She held the baby through the viewing. She cooked for us. She just loved us. And dad M. let her come without reservation. She came another week after we laid my dad to rest, just to make sure I was ok. There have been many visits from them in-between all this. Visits after a bad miscarriage and when BabyJ came home for the hospital. She is one of the most selfless and giving women I know. I know that she and my mommy were the best of friends in heaven. There was probably some deal struck between them that when she was called home, Mom M. would watch over us.
How grateful I am that when God's will or plan cannot give us what we want, he reaches down and gives us what we need. I could have chosen for the last 7 years to be bitter. Instead, I opened my eyes and recognized the gift before me...Two more parents to love me, Two more Grandparents for my children, Four more sisters, Four more brothers by marriage, 10 more nieces and nephews and the baby hasn't even had her little ones yet. My cup runneth over with blessings.
And today, on the birthday of one of the greatest women I know, I am reminded that God gives us what we need. And I am grateful.
Happy Birthday Mom. I am sure Mommy is smiling over you today. And she and grandma J are looking out for you every day. I love you!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
I'm Only Human...
I am many things...
I am a daughter
granddaughter
sister
wife
mother
aunt
cousin
niece
friend...
And though for years I have tried to be a superhero. I find that I always fall short.
The reason...I am human.
As such I have so many weaknesses to overcome. And though I try to be a really good person, there are just things I can't handle. I have surrounded myself with some of the best people in the world. Some are family by birth, some by marriage and some by adoption...not the "legal" kind, but the...we have been through this thick and thin life and we are family. The ones that stick, that stand by you No Matter What. I have been blessed with the greatest family by birth, marriage and choice.
Because of the great love in my life, and my great capacity to love, adoption (the real and legal kind) was always an option for me. Not so much for my husband though. He didn't get it. He didn't have many deep relationships with people he was not related to by blood, except his best friend who was like a brother to him, and died a decade ago. I think that death really closed him off. Well until our whole world changed this year...
For those who follow my life, you know about our loss last Spring. It has been a year since we lost little David. He was so small he could fit in the palm of my hand from the bottom of my palm to the top of my longest finger. He was a little angel, moving in me like crazy. And then, he wasn't. The tragedy was more than I could comprehend. And then it wasn't. From one day to the next little BabyJ was in our life and everything changed. My dear friend S.M. told me once that she thought I should write about it. Maybe one day I will. She said, "I think a good title for your book could be And David Smiled." I think of that often. How our little boy with DS softened our hearts, prepared us for DS and adoption in one felled swoop. WOW! Monumental, life changing SWOOP!
My weeping, fleshy and tender heart ached for the birth mom that gave us our Chinese baby girl. Her home was no place for this little gift from heaven and she dug deep to find the courage to be selfless. I will always love her for this priceless gift of BabyJ's life. She cared more for her daughter than she did for herself.
She is in town for a somewhat unplanned visit. She brought her niece without even telling me and I am struggling. I am a bit angry. Well, maybe more than a bit. I want to be that completely selfless, Christlike person.
That person battles with the other person I am... The Human One. I am not making excuses, but today I decided it is ok. I stopped beating myself up. I am kind, but it is ok that I have some not so nice feelings. It is ok that I feel jealous when my 5 year old says to his baby sister (pointing to the birth mom) Mama and pointing to me (Second Mama) and I want to scream, but instead I wait until everyone is asleep and I cry. It is ok.
I said to my husband, do you think she knows that I am her "Real" mommy. Not the one that brings giant bags of ToyRus...but the one that prepares the bottles, runs the bath, changes every colostomy bag, and diaper and stays up late in the night. He hugged me and assured me...she knows. Last night I was holding her (after the "Second Mama" fiasco). She looked up at me, put her hand on my face and started to giggle. I kissed her. More giggles. More and more and more. And the broken little piece of my heart healed. She healed it, Christ healed it. I slept and my spirit was renewed to tackle another day.
I was a little angry at God when I buried my parents, when I lost three babies in a row, when I couldn't keep David... But I am human, and God is forgiving. He is teaching me to be a patient, loving and forgiving parent too.
There is one thing I am more in my life than human, and that is grateful. When my humanness sneaks up on me, my spirit, my heart, the Holy Ghost (probably all three) remind me how grateful I am, and how much there is to be grateful for.
And I remember...I am an Ordinary mom, with an extraordinary life. I thank HIM for that.
I am Grateful.
I am a daughter
granddaughter
sister
wife
mother
aunt
cousin
niece
friend...
And though for years I have tried to be a superhero. I find that I always fall short.
The reason...I am human.
As such I have so many weaknesses to overcome. And though I try to be a really good person, there are just things I can't handle. I have surrounded myself with some of the best people in the world. Some are family by birth, some by marriage and some by adoption...not the "legal" kind, but the...we have been through this thick and thin life and we are family. The ones that stick, that stand by you No Matter What. I have been blessed with the greatest family by birth, marriage and choice.
Because of the great love in my life, and my great capacity to love, adoption (the real and legal kind) was always an option for me. Not so much for my husband though. He didn't get it. He didn't have many deep relationships with people he was not related to by blood, except his best friend who was like a brother to him, and died a decade ago. I think that death really closed him off. Well until our whole world changed this year...
For those who follow my life, you know about our loss last Spring. It has been a year since we lost little David. He was so small he could fit in the palm of my hand from the bottom of my palm to the top of my longest finger. He was a little angel, moving in me like crazy. And then, he wasn't. The tragedy was more than I could comprehend. And then it wasn't. From one day to the next little BabyJ was in our life and everything changed. My dear friend S.M. told me once that she thought I should write about it. Maybe one day I will. She said, "I think a good title for your book could be And David Smiled." I think of that often. How our little boy with DS softened our hearts, prepared us for DS and adoption in one felled swoop. WOW! Monumental, life changing SWOOP!
My weeping, fleshy and tender heart ached for the birth mom that gave us our Chinese baby girl. Her home was no place for this little gift from heaven and she dug deep to find the courage to be selfless. I will always love her for this priceless gift of BabyJ's life. She cared more for her daughter than she did for herself.
She is in town for a somewhat unplanned visit. She brought her niece without even telling me and I am struggling. I am a bit angry. Well, maybe more than a bit. I want to be that completely selfless, Christlike person.
That person battles with the other person I am... The Human One. I am not making excuses, but today I decided it is ok. I stopped beating myself up. I am kind, but it is ok that I have some not so nice feelings. It is ok that I feel jealous when my 5 year old says to his baby sister (pointing to the birth mom) Mama and pointing to me (Second Mama) and I want to scream, but instead I wait until everyone is asleep and I cry. It is ok.
I said to my husband, do you think she knows that I am her "Real" mommy. Not the one that brings giant bags of ToyRus...but the one that prepares the bottles, runs the bath, changes every colostomy bag, and diaper and stays up late in the night. He hugged me and assured me...she knows. Last night I was holding her (after the "Second Mama" fiasco). She looked up at me, put her hand on my face and started to giggle. I kissed her. More giggles. More and more and more. And the broken little piece of my heart healed. She healed it, Christ healed it. I slept and my spirit was renewed to tackle another day.
I was a little angry at God when I buried my parents, when I lost three babies in a row, when I couldn't keep David... But I am human, and God is forgiving. He is teaching me to be a patient, loving and forgiving parent too.
There is one thing I am more in my life than human, and that is grateful. When my humanness sneaks up on me, my spirit, my heart, the Holy Ghost (probably all three) remind me how grateful I am, and how much there is to be grateful for.
And I remember...I am an Ordinary mom, with an extraordinary life. I thank HIM for that.
I am Grateful.
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