Love Yourself Part 2

Ok...it's Monday Morning...I had a lovely weekend and now I am just getting back to this post.

If you would like to read my Tender Mercies 1, 2 and 3 and find out the first half of this story go to the previous post...

Notes From Stephanie Neilson's Talk at Time Out For Women (forgive me...this is not word for word, and I am sure I will get somethings wrong...but I did try to get every word and feeling she conveyed as I wrote like lightning)

I count my accident a blessing and Divine.  In August of 2008 I was in a plane crash that left me burned over 80% of my body.  In this Time Out for Women conference the theme is Choosing to Become.  

My Story, My Accident, My Life, My Recovery

After the accident, the first thing I had to choose was to recover.  Burns are a hard and painful road.  But YOU decide how this story is going to end for YOU.  It REALLY hurt, I was really sick, I wanted to die.  

But I remembered who I was.   I had a husband, children and a Heavenly Father.  A couple months into the recovery something happened.  Christian (her husband) would come at night to see me and help me with the bedtime routine which was difficult.  But this particular night the nurse came in and said called and was not coming.  He could not come, the roads were closed.  I did not know how I could get through the night without him.  Then I looked out the window of my room and snow was falling.  As I watched the snow I thought of happy memories in the snow before my accident.  I thought of what it felt like to be happy.  I put ALL my trust in the Lord...through my prayers.  He'll take care of me.  This was my first time alone.  But I was not alone.  HE was with me.  I CHOSE to be Happy.  Choices are OURS.  Heavenly Father gives us those choices.

I CHOSE to be HAPPY!

I had to choose to remember my divine potential.  I'm still a wife and mother.  I had to remember who I am.  I had to choose to become a mother again.  For 5 months I did not look at myself.  I didn't want to be 'ugly'.  I didn't look at myself and I didn't as ANYONE what I looked like.  I still had not seen my children and they wanted to see me so much.  The doctor said, "they want to see you, but they can't see you until you see yourself."  **Here Stephanie talked of the guilt she felt as a mother.  She blamed herself for going on that plane ride.  Though to the outside eye it seems ridiculous that she could find any fault in her accident.  She did and it was part of her painful recovery to deal with it.

She decided "It is time to see who I've become.  Christian brought her a mirror, but she wanted to do this alone and had him leave.  Everything was bruised, and unrecognizable until she got to her eyes.  She said they were the ONLY thing she could recognize.  They were the same.  I saw God in my eyes.  And I felt Him say...Everything is fine.  You're beautiful to me.  

I saw my eyes.  It was a long road, but I knew I could get there.

Now I look at people's eyes.  It is a gift I have been given since the accident.  I tell my children to look people in the eyes.

The children came.  I had no hair, scraps, scares and burns.  My daughter was so scared she told her sister "You don't want to go in there".  I was so emotional and sad.  They left.  I felt like a monster again.     I had been defined as a mother before the accident.  It was going to take time and lots of patience.  

I had to choose to be a mother again.

My choice to be a mother and to be the one to teach them was something I had always wanted.  I had always wanted to be one.  But it took time, lots of time.  Everything was a big deal.  Zipping a jacket, opening my hands, using my fingers, reading a book, making lunches for the children, Stuffing carrots in ziploc bags...  It is the GREATEST THING!

It is the small and simple things you do every day.  You would miss them.  Think...these little jobs are BEAUTIFUL!

As women, we are the nurturing type.  I am so grateful and honored to have that feeling of wife and mother back.  

NOW...choose to be happy.

There were times...

I wish I had the energy but I didn't/don't...She talked about the pain and pain meds to help with it.   I had to choose to be happy.  What are the things that make me be happy?  It's OK to love ourselves.  I can give more to my husband, children and family members when I love myself!

* You can give more to those YOU love, when you love yourself.

Elder Holland was going to give me a blessing.  He was so kind, so sweet to me.  He told me I was so beautiful I should be on the cover of a magazine.  He spoke of the Savior Jesus Christ.  He said that when the Savior comes again we will look for the nail marks in His hands.  He then said... these are your outward scares.  This to you is YOUR trial.  You lived through something and now you are making a new life for yourself.  They are a reminder But they don't bother me as much anymore.

NOW I SEE ME!!!  At 19 I wanted to get married, have a family.  When I chose to live it was SO much harder...but it was SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT! 

I am someone who is so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  This accident wasn't an 'accident' at all.  It was part of my life and I chose, I am going to make the best of it.  Everybody hurts, feels pain, sadness.  We have all the tools to overcome them.  With the right tools and attitude we can overcome anything.

After the accident the plane was on fire and I was in my seatbelt.  I didn't think I was going to make it.  My second thought was This is it, the end of my life.  It is only going to hurt 5 more minutes, but then I'll see grandma.  I was scared and I didn't think I could do it.

THAT MOMENT...

I felt something.  I know there is a Heavenly Father and Savior and a plan.  He told me it wasn't my time.   I found hard.  I was able to get out of the airplane.  

If you are struggling with your testimony I want to say... "It's true, there is divine power.  You can pray and get answers.  I DID get out.

Choosing NOW...

Choose now to make those relationships with those you love better.  When I was heading down in the crash in disbelief there was no one to make up with.  I saw my little children, happy.  My relationships are good.

WHAT are your relationships like with those you love?  If you die do loved ones know how much you love them?

CHOOSE all the things in life that will help you.  Above all, I have a testimony of Jesus Christ.  There is a plan.  He loves you, He knows you, by name.

I almost left...I wasn't ready to go.

It is important to be nurturing, loving, caring.  Love your daughters and prepare and love your sons.  I am so grateful for my testimony.  I am so thankful for my testimony.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father keeps His promises.  I am GRATEFUL for the temple.  I am grateful I can still have children.

Now... I am just CHOOSING to become ME.  Whatever ME is, is good enough, because Heavenly Father is telling me it is okay to be ME!

In my notes I wrote:

"Today was a miracle.  Nothing short of a miracle.   Thank you Father for loving ME, Christine, your daughter, and individual.  How you do it, all of it I don't know.  But I love you.  I love your Son.  My Father, thank you, thank you for loving me.  For saving me from my doubts, fears and weaknesses."

After losing my parents the past couple years, I had gone to this conference more than a little broken.  Having, in my life lost so many people that I love to death...I was figuratively shaking my fists at the heavens and figuratively asking ARE YOU SERIOUS???!!!  but Stephanie's testimony and emergence from the heart ache of her trial has renewed my faith in His perfect plan.  Though I don't understand it all now.  I know in the end, I will be eternally grateful.  

The way that this individual (Stephanie) was able to reach ME...something God, my Heavenly Father of course was well aware of... is nothing short of a miracle...and it was my Tender Mercy #4...and it happened before 11am in the morning.  

When Stephanie was done I wanted to stand and applaud her...but mostly I wish my spirit could have conveyed to her spirit the immense gratitude I was feeling for her.  I did stand, and so did many women...but she was going to the back of the stage because she had another engagement she had to be at.  For a moment I thought she might not turn around, and silently I thought, please let her see...as all this was happening in just a few seconds more and more women were standing to their feet and the applause continued.  She turned and I believe the room of 5,000 women were up, applauding the life, the courage, the faith of this ONE woman, who is through her testimony CHANGING lives.  It was a miracle of the 5,000...and I know the Savior watches over Stephanie and is pleased with the "ME" she is becoming.  As she saw the love we had for her...that was my Tender Mercy #5...and all before Lunch!

I am choosing to become ME...and actually I already like myself quite a bit! :)

*Check back...I will be posting more notes from this wonderful weekend.

Life is short and precious.  Make it a great day!  Only YOU can!