Lemonade and My Sweet Tooth...

I used to "blog" pretty regularly.  Then somewhere along the path I had 6 children and life got a little busy...

When I started blogging, I wrote about things like spilled milkshake on the kitchen floor and funny little things my daughter did.

Then everyone grew up quite a bit...including my trials.  I think I miss the spilled milkshakes.

I lost my parents.  Not at a significantly young age.  My mom passed at 63 (I was 35) and my dad passed at 69 (I was 38).  But I certainly was not ready to let go of them.  My friend's mom died in her 90's and I remember her telling me after my mom passed, "It is never ok to be in this world without your parents.  We are all going to die one day, but it is never ok."

Honestly, I found comfort in those words and I have come back to them again and again.  Giving me the permission that she was giving me...to grieve when I needed to, to miss them when each Christmas or holiday or milestone of my children came and went without their physical presence in our lives was crucial to embracing the future.  People told me it will be ok.  They told me it will hurt less eventually.  They told me lots of things.  But I think the thing I always come back to is that sweet friend that told me the truth...  It will never be ok.

I tell my children often that life is NOT fair.  If I had a nickel for every time one of them said "THAT'S NOT FAIR"...well, Bill Gates wouldn't have anything on me.  Maybe the teaching opportunities are more valuable than all the nickels in the world.  So I try to teach them that indeed, Life is NOT fair.  It is NOT remotely fair according to our limited vision.  Good people die.  Mean people thrive and if all this life was about was living a long and easy life, then it would be undeniably NOT FAIR.

However, I don't believe the "SOUL" purpose of our existence is to have "pleasure".  I believe our purposes are found in experiencing JOY.  And joy cannot exist without sorrow to define it.  To know the sweet, we must taste the bitter.  To know the joy of warm chocolate chip cookies one must have tasted a lemon or two to fully appreciate the contrast.

Such has been my life.  I have a TERRIBLE sweet tooth.  I love chocolate and candy in general.  And in the metaphor I present... I LOVE THE BLESSINGS!  I LOVE THE TENDER MERCIES!  Those sweet joys that are poured down from the Lord fill up my soul and I have never been so satisfied in my sweet cravings as I am when blessed from above.  And yet, I have seen over the last 7 years that the joys and the trials go hand in hand.  They walk with me together.  Trials are not all evil.  It is not like the contrast between the good and the bad.  I can choose good things or bad things in life.  I can choose how I will live.  But I cannot choose my trials.  Whether they are hand picked for me, or a product of choices and paths I choose, I am not sure of.  But this I know, many of my trials have led to the sources of my greatest JOYS.

Those who know us personally, know that my family went through the loss of two early pregnancies, filled with a desire to bring a sixth child into our home.  After these we thought the miracle had arrived.  We were pregnant the third time.  Through some testing we learned that a boy was coming and he had Down syndrome.  When the initial shock wore off we planned, prepared, got excited, prayed for his health and arrival.  Little David permeated our hearts every day from the day we knew he was a boy.  Then all our hopes were dashed away.  And David died.  My heart broke.

David's middle name is Tayten.  It means Beautiful Joy.  And his short little life cultivated a new definition of Joy for me.  The Joy of David increased with the trial.  I became grateful for every kick and movement of his little body in a way I can't even explain.  There were tender mercies that the doctors could not explain either.  We could feel David outside my body from 13 weeks until his death at 17 weeks.  The more I felt him, the more I loved him.  And I think it was God's way of letting me know my angel was REAL, he existed, and his mire existence brought me Joy.  Tears, Yes!  But Joy.

When he passed my heart could not take that kind of pain again.  We were literally stuck between the fear of the excruciating pain repeating itself and the hope of one more joyful baby.  No baby could take David's place, his soul was impressed upon our hearts.  However, we still felt the desire for a last child in our home.

The lemonade of this part of my life didn't taste like lemonade at all.  It tasted like lemon juice.  And as I laid in bed with crocodile tears pouring down many nights the month after David's passing, I wondered how life would ever be ok again.  Then a new miracle came, born of the grief, the trial and the sorrow of David's passing.  I cannot begin to express the miracles that led to adopting our Down Syndrome daughter.  There are so many and some are so sacred.  But someday I will tell more about that.  What I have learned is that God has a sweet tooth too.  He wants us to taste of the Joys of this life.  He wants us to appreciate, even the small blessings...like little David's early movements that confirmed to us he was there.  But if all God gave us was candy, it would be like feeding your children sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  There would be no growth, literally their growth would be stunted.  There would be cavities.  Holes would be in their lives, holes that can only be filled by learning from the trials and the sorrow.  And none of us could really grow to be all we can and should be...with a bit of the sour, sometimes more than a bit.

So I am thankful for the lemon juice in my life.  I am also very grateful when God pours down the sugar and makes it lemonade.  For me, it has been the great balance of my life.  And I have found that often the bitter and the sweet blend together like a symphony.  They are what makes my ordinary life, extraordinary.

No one can make you bitter.
No one can make you sweet.
It is a choice.  Make it a great day!

An Ordinary Mom