I am many things...
I am a daughter
granddaughter
sister
wife
mother
aunt
cousin
niece
friend...
And though for years I have tried to be a superhero. I find that I always fall short.
The reason...I am human.
As such I have so many weaknesses to overcome. And though I try to be a really good person, there are just things I can't handle. I have surrounded myself with some of the best people in the world. Some are family by birth, some by marriage and some by adoption...not the "legal" kind, but the...we have been through this thick and thin life and we are family. The ones that stick, that stand by you No Matter What. I have been blessed with the greatest family by birth, marriage and choice.
Because of the great love in my life, and my great capacity to love, adoption (the real and legal kind) was always an option for me. Not so much for my husband though. He didn't get it. He didn't have many deep relationships with people he was not related to by blood, except his best friend who was like a brother to him, and died a decade ago. I think that death really closed him off. Well until our whole world changed this year...
For those who follow my life, you know about our loss last Spring. It has been a year since we lost little David. He was so small he could fit in the palm of my hand from the bottom of my palm to the top of my longest finger. He was a little angel, moving in me like crazy. And then, he wasn't. The tragedy was more than I could comprehend. And then it wasn't. From one day to the next little BabyJ was in our life and everything changed. My dear friend S.M. told me once that she thought I should write about it. Maybe one day I will. She said, "I think a good title for your book could be And David Smiled." I think of that often. How our little boy with DS softened our hearts, prepared us for DS and adoption in one felled swoop. WOW! Monumental, life changing SWOOP!
My weeping, fleshy and tender heart ached for the birth mom that gave us our Chinese baby girl. Her home was no place for this little gift from heaven and she dug deep to find the courage to be selfless. I will always love her for this priceless gift of BabyJ's life. She cared more for her daughter than she did for herself.
She is in town for a somewhat unplanned visit. She brought her niece without even telling me and I am struggling. I am a bit angry. Well, maybe more than a bit. I want to be that completely selfless, Christlike person.
That person battles with the other person I am... The Human One. I am not making excuses, but today I decided it is ok. I stopped beating myself up. I am kind, but it is ok that I have some not so nice feelings. It is ok that I feel jealous when my 5 year old says to his baby sister (pointing to the birth mom) Mama and pointing to me (Second Mama) and I want to scream, but instead I wait until everyone is asleep and I cry. It is ok.
I said to my husband, do you think she knows that I am her "Real" mommy. Not the one that brings giant bags of ToyRus...but the one that prepares the bottles, runs the bath, changes every colostomy bag, and diaper and stays up late in the night. He hugged me and assured me...she knows. Last night I was holding her (after the "Second Mama" fiasco). She looked up at me, put her hand on my face and started to giggle. I kissed her. More giggles. More and more and more. And the broken little piece of my heart healed. She healed it, Christ healed it. I slept and my spirit was renewed to tackle another day.
I was a little angry at God when I buried my parents, when I lost three babies in a row, when I couldn't keep David... But I am human, and God is forgiving. He is teaching me to be a patient, loving and forgiving parent too.
There is one thing I am more in my life than human, and that is grateful. When my humanness sneaks up on me, my spirit, my heart, the Holy Ghost (probably all three) remind me how grateful I am, and how much there is to be grateful for.
And I remember...I am an Ordinary mom, with an extraordinary life. I thank HIM for that.
I am Grateful.
2 comments:
Awe Christine, you nailed this post perfectly! Brought tears to my eyes. YOU ARE MAMA! You are not second Mama you are THE MOM, Jaide's Mom! It's because of your heart and I love how you put it, the one who does all those meaningful acts of love day and night. You are her safe place. Once you came into her life she started to heal and she is developing and will develop into someone amazing because of your love as her mother. Heavenly Father had this all planned out for you, for her, for your family. I can testify of this for sure! It was so evident that she was your baby girl from the moment I heard. You knew too, it just took some time for you because your beautiful empathizing mother's heart!!! Jaide couldn't come through you because she had to come this way to teach something. And every time we think she has taught us what this adoption story was all about, she will surprise all of us and see that the plan is so much bigger and bigger than we had thought. I love you and I LOVE THAT YOU ARE HUMAN! <3 Susan Biery
Correction: it was so evident that she was your baby girl from the beginning! Before she ever came. I can see it, she was yours and brought to you this way for a purpose. So grateful to be apart of this journey watching that purpose unfold throughout eternity. Love you!
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